There was tension building my shoulders
Up to my ears
The muscles tying me together strained
The ligaments froze up
Things stretched wrong-ways,
Pulling against each other gently

I waited, listening to the thrumming noise
That was my heartbeat
Hummingbird-hummingbird-pulse-hummingbird
Thrum, thrum, thrum
Waiting for the crooning white noise

I was incredibly anxious
The thing that happens to me sometimes
I forget to mail a letter
I don't water the already-dead houseplant
I put my hair up unevenly
Those things
That make me freeze
The ones that make my blood flash cold and then hot
That raise the number of
Unreal picture-dancing-hallucinations
Twisting behind my eyes

Then the singer came in
And I realized how silly I had been
The terror-images hiding in my bones
Slipped away timidly, gyrating
In time
With the music

Sway, sway,
Strum
And smile
Don't you go away quite yet
Sway, sway
Hum
Cheshire grin, wink on the sly
Say, say
Please sit and stay a while

I have ruined you
I have ruined you
What apology is there
When nothing can be done
There will be hell to pay
And forgiveness to beg
I have ruined you
Little boy, we're blood
And besides that, love
What have I done
I thought my talks with
Our Father
Were private lamentations
And I have ruined you now
When will it stop
Who set it in motion
I don't want to shoulder this blame
There's just so much of it
And as it towers precariously over me
I can only hold so much on my head
Before it kills me
I don't want to die guilty
I don't want to offend my ancestors
I don't want to live in the shadow of shame
What have I done

Sometimes, the best things get writ when I need most to pee.
(Because that's a need-to-know fact right there.)

I got your letter
In that box
Some days ago
I took it to a corner to cherish it
How are you, how are you?
Running through my mind like sand

I'm doing fine
I want you to know
I love you the way I can

Say you're close to happy
Makes me smile just so
I'll only half-believe you
Something you already know
I just want you to come home

I wish you were here
To make a little fun of me
I wish you were together with that boy we both know you love
Hope you have all of the happiness
I don't know what else to say to you

You said
Don't be afraid of being too familiar
But here I am
Chewing my nails
Swallow all the things I know
I should just say
Smile at your sunlight
Who knows when you'll come again

(Mary who plays cards
cards, cards, cards, cards, cards, cards, cards, cards, cards
with Ben and Al
Sipping gently
On the flavor of their lips,
Alternating smooth and patient
to want-me-want-me-now and sparks)

The colors bathed in
By the city for the sun
Were gold and love
With just hints of shoot-green
Every now and then
Peeking corners over satchels
Blue bruises painting each other into the shadows
Reposing gently
A cordial nod to Titian
With sly hues
Of languid divinity
Leaking over from somewhere
Chilled invitingly as is Mary